And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
