I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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