What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
