Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
