hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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