Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
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At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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