i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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