I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
