you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
