I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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