I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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