Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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