I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
