Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
