There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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