I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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