Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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