yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
