I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
