your parents love me but you hate me
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
