You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
