if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
