I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
