he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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