capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
