I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
