Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
