Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
