I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
