There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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