I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
