Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
