i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
