I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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