News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
