Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
