you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
