Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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