Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
