So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize