He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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