Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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