i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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