Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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