I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
