Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
