is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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