I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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