bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
