I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
