My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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