Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
