I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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