I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
