thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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