there's paper in my vomit.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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