someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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