Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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