A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
