I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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