Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
