I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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