please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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