so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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